Shattered

I needed to pick up a pen and start to journal again pull up my blog and start blogging again as well. I am in a place where I am completely out of sync with myself.  After my open heart surgery, I did not wake up the same person I was before my surgery.  I had a new heart beat but I also had new trauma. It felt good to be alive but little did I know, the battle was just beginning. I need to really come to terms with the fact that my chest was cracked open, and my heart was stopped!!! How does anyone come back the same as they were prior to this horrific event happening? Better yet, how could anyone expect the same person to come back after this horrific event happened!!??

My cardiologist told me it would take me two to three years to heal because of my underlying conditions, whereas the “normal” recovery time for others is about three months.  I had wound complications and had to depend on others to care for me.  The family members that cared for me, I appreciate & love them immensely and can never repay them for the love that was shown to me while beginning and through my healing process. I was cleared by my cardiologist, and I was able to travel to Spain for vacation and ended up being in a boating accident that caused a minor set back. Nothing horrific,  but I spent my Mediterranean vacation in a wheel chair.  

I returned to work in the summer  two years ago. I worked for an extremely narcissistic woman having me work quite often, 12 to 13 hours days. She abused me verbally, made demands of me, degraded my character, and disregarded my documented medical conditions, etc…. It was a living hell and I quit to preserve the mental stability I had left. I was losing myself  mentally. I could not recognize who I was becoming. My mental clarity no longer existed, my short-term memory was awful, and very frustrating to say the least.

I started to withdraw from the world, my family, the boyfriend I loved beyond what love actually means, and everyone and anyone else I loved. I withdrew every dollar I had to help as best as I could to keep things paid. I even managed to payoff a few things hoping it would be enough to help out financially until I found a new job . Then the darkness started to set in, depression, with a lot of anxiety. I would stay in the house weeks at a time.  I started therapy because I realized I was spiraling out of control.  I learned trauma  was the root of all of my issues.  Just when I started to see me again, I could no longer afford my medical insurance.  All of the work I put in to try and find some semblance of normalcy, was gone. 

Depression came back with a vengeance, anxiety, panic attacks, migraines, fibromyalgia with pain so intense that it hurts to touch my own skin and most times feels like I am on fire. I tried to cover up as much of the pain, and mental discomfort I was having, and guess what sometimes it worked. No one knew what I was going through mentally , folks were used to hearing me say, I am in pain , I hurt, but the mental deterioration is ripping my life apart. I have one activity that I try to do on a weekly basis, and truth be told it takes everything I have to make it week by week. There have been times when I wished I had never made the commitment to participate in my hobby, but my therapists said I needed to do at least one thing to get out of the house every week.

I just started new employment this month. It took me a year to find a new job. I had recruiters calling me from different states, multiple interviews that were very promising, and good money. I of course chose a job in the DMV because this is where my family is and my person. Every morning for the past week, I get up, get dressed, commute, and have to walk a mile to my job, and at the end of the day back to the metro. My physical pain is excruciating to the point where I shed tears as I’m walking to my building or back to the train. I take each of those steps with no regret because I need to step up and do what’s necessary for the household. 

At this time right now, I am absolutely torn apart. I am not even confident that I can be put back together. I have the scars that remind me every time I look in the mirror that I am different now. In the beginning I thought my scars were a badge of honor. Nowadays I don’t really see it that way. I see it as the thing that changed me. I see it as an additional trauma to an already traumatized body. I see it as the thing that stole my life while giving me life.  I just see it as “the thing.”

Please, for the sake of humanity, and the preservation of your life, if you feel like you are slipping off into the darkness, do not wait for someone else to recognize it. It is not their responsibility. You must be your own advocate, you must be able to recognize when you can no longer cope on your own. Seek professional help. Do not take the risk of being overlooked, misunderstood, abandoned, or broken. Keep talking until something clicks. Go get help! I still need counseling for trauma and depression, and now I need counseling to help heal a broken heart, anxiety, and panic attacks. I will do the best I can with what I have and  more than likely alone.

Cheers! To trying to pick up the pieces, coming out of darkness, and admiring the beauty in the eye of the storm.