Chronic Disease & Toxic Relationships

This particular post may ruffle a few feathers upon reading. That is not the intended purpose of this article and I am way past the point of giving a damn. If it ruffles, it ruffles. I simply want to share my experience, hoping my experience helps someone who is dealing with issues in their personal relationships as a result of their chronic/invisible illness. At the very least I hope this post will alert individuals in similar situations what to look for as the person affected by a chronic illness and what not to do as the support person or significant other.

From this point on, significant other(s) may be referred to as the “other(s)”.

In the past year, I came to the conclusion that my chronic/invisible illness and other medical problems would keep me from having a successful relationship (a significant other). Why? Because people not going through what you go through on a daily basis do not understand how a person can feel bad day after day. Many of them want to try to convince you it is all in your head and you can push through it, not to mention you DON’T look sick. The person suffering really wants to scream shut the hell up, but decides against it because that would just be another problem. Instead, we push ourselves or at least try to push ourselves so we do not appear to be a complete failure as a person to our significant others. But what we know (the sufferer), that you don’t know (the “other”), is “we will feel much worst later.

Significant others come in a variety of types. Wait for it… I am sure you have had at least one of these types or a combinations of these types in your life. Lets start with the best of them…

1. The “I Love You” Type – This type of significant other can be mixed in with other types of significant others I will mention later. However, for the most part, these significant others sincerely love you for who you are, and make a genuine effort to understand what you battle day after day. Not everyone claiming to love you will be able to handle your illness. I thought I was loved but it turned out I was more used. This “other” preached about my well-being, and how important it was to him, and in the same breath said I was draining him. How in the hell am I draining you, and I am one that is sick? I drained him of his energy… what the hell?!
2. The “We Will Get Through This Together” Type – This type of significant other is all aboard in the beginning of the relationship. As time passes and the “other” decides he/she did not sign up for this, they begin to pull away and not be as helpful and supportive as they once were. Other things in his life begin to take priority over you. Things like extracurriculars, or hobbies… They begin to get tired of hearing you talk about how you feel and begin suggesting its all in your head or the result of something you are or are not doing.
3. The “You are Not Doing Anything to Get Better” Type – This particular significant other believes he/she is the authority on how you feel and why you feel the way you do. This “other” also tends to minimize your pain and believes you are weak. They watch you swallow pill after pill on a daily basis and believes you are doing nothing but causing your body to be toxic and not to be able to heal itself. And God forbid you suffer from medication side-effects like gaining weight, sleeping, fatigue, or loss of appetite. I was told I was overweight and unattractive, I was lazy, I was treating my body poorly. Yep, that type of support was helpful, and now I feel much better. Ass!
4. The “I am Here for You If You Need Me” Type – This “other” is never available for you but always expect you to be available for him/her, even if you don’t feel well. To say this clearly, this person is not a good support person and is a stressor, further aggravating an already painful situation. This “other” believes they are supporting you by simply tolerating you. You do not appear to be sick so you are not sick. You are simply an attention seeker.

I could go on forever talking about the “other(s)”. I went through a lot dealing with toxic, under educated, selfish individuals. The idea here is to learn to recognize the toxicity elements in your life and eliminate them. Yes this includes people, even people you love. Stress and anxiety in the body only makes your suffering worst. I lost significant weight, I started having migraines, depression crept in, anxiety ruled my life, I vomited with no onset of symptoms… this is just a short list of things that happened to me because of my toxic “other”. Now don’t get me wrong, I still suffer from anxiety, and have the occasional migraine but I definitely notice a huge difference in my day-to-day symptoms.

Eliminate toxicity. Build an educated support system. Follow your doctors orders and create an environment for wellness. Additional stressors will only aggravate your condition. Learn to recognize, acknowledge, and eradicate your triggers. You know your body better than anyone else. So listen.