To Live in Pain Everyday

People who do not suffer from chronic disease or chronic pain have a difficult time relating to or understanding someone who does. For the non sufferers, think back to the last time you had pain. Was it a headache, back ache, or a stomach ache? Did your feet hurt? Did you aggravate an old sports injury? Now imagine having that one specific pain everyday, what does it feel like? Is it something you believe you could live with comfortably everyday? Probably not.

I live in chronic pain every single day of my life. I have upper and lower back pain, pelvic pain, knee, foot, elbow, wrist, and finger pain. I have pain when I stand up, lay down, walking, and sitting. I have chronic pain. It never lets up, and it never gives me a break. Now let’s throw in the random migraines, irritable bowel, allergic reactions to the unknown, and my fluctuating vision. Whatever I have not mentioned feels great!

Everyday people manage to ask me how I am doing. My response is either okay, good, or not bad. I know the people I talk to get tired of hearing about my aches and pains so in most instances I don’t mention pain and they are lead to believe I am well. I hide pain very well, it is a skill you acquire after being in pain for so long. You get used to putting on a happy face when you are pain, it becomes your norm. After all in most cases you don’t look sick anyway.

In my general conversations throughout the day, pain or some ailment always manages to make its way into conversations with the people closest to me. It is definitely not intentional, but they do ask. I minimize my pain when speaking to family and friends as much as I can because I am not so sure they believe that any one person can experience and survive that much pain. It sounds extremely fictional and damn near impossible.

I have an extremely high pain tolerance so pain medications do not help my pain other than causing me to sleep. My doctors have explained to me that because my tolerance for pain is high it is very difficult to prescribe medications for me because my dosages would be extremely high. So basically my body does not register pain until its too high to control. The level of pain I am able to tolerate a “normal” person would probably not function well, at all.

I know how to put on a good face and look good when necessary. I know how to make my way through the pain until I can find time and space to be alone. I spend a lot of time alone and for good reason. I simply do not want to be around people while I am in pain. Someone I thought I was very close to and had a future with, told me I physically and mentally drained him because I was always in pain. What in the entire hell? I am the one drained, physically, mentally, and emotionally because I am the one living in pain! Needless to say that person is no longer in my life…

I know now not to seek refuge in people, but in myself. I am beginning to practice meditation and I try to do as much as I can until I can not do any more. I have no issues with the perception others have of me, and I am damn good at saying no! There are many times the shower is my refuge. I can cry and my tears wont be noticed or mocked. I am not weak because I cry and I do not cry because of self pity. I cry because I hurt and pain is a constant part of my life. Plain and simple.