Anxiety & Me

Anxiety & Me, yes I know it is grammatically incorrect, and yes this is exactly how I mean to write it, Anxiety & Me. I say it this way because anxiety runs the show and no matter how I try to control “it”, “it” always seems to control me. Anxiety is a sneaky bastard, it creeps up on you, grabs you around the throat squeezes the air from your lungs, leaving you gasping for air. Meanwhile, you are not sure if you need water, pills, air, a shrink, or all of the above.

For me, I could need a combination of things, depends on the source of my anxiety. Sometimes I know why I am anxious and other times I have not a clue. Most of my anxiety hits first thing in the morning! Yes! As soon as I open my eyes. I guess this is my minds way of telling me I am not ready to face the world for the day. I actually lay in the bed listening to my heart beat at a rapid pace, shortness of breath, and my entire body trembles. There is absolutely nothing I can do to counteract this attack on my body and mind.

Another anxiety trigger I am aware of is people! This trigger is tricky for me because it all depends on the role a particular person may play in my life. For example, a very huge trigger was my ex-husband. My ex was such a trigger for me that I could hear his car coming down the street we lived on and I would completely break down. I could hear my pulse in my ears, my throat felt like it was closing up, I would become nauseous, and could not catch my breath. To be near this man made my entire life, in that moment, cease to cooperate, frozen, anxiety was running the show. The fix for this situation – leave that ass! Okay, not as simple as that, but in the end that is the choice I made, I left.

There are however other people that we must interact with on a daily basis and managing “people induced” anxiety is not easy. Other than removing myself from people this is a form of anxiety I need to learn to prevent. I have been given coping mechanism by the medical experts but I am here to tell you from my experience those coping skills do not always work. I have tried managing my anxiety by using breathing techniques, trying to learn how to meditate, and lastly medication. For now, the medication has it. It is not a permanent solution and I do not take medication everyday, only as needed. Until my anxiety is under control, God help the world and God help me.

More on this anxiety journey next time…